


Paint the Town Red (With the Blood of the Innocent)

by Randy_Butternubs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Baekhyun is angry, Blow Jobs, Boys just want to have fun, Crack, Face-Fucking, Hobi's just here for fun, Huge amounts of crack, I was hugely sleep deprived, M/M, Sehun is kind of dumb, mentions of SeKai - Freeform, mentions of chanbaek, wow i don't even know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 12:36:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13387938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randy_Butternubs/pseuds/Randy_Butternubs
Summary: It's date night. For god sakes, what's a boy to wear. Typical black on black on black, or maybe go all out with the cat onsie Baekhyun bought him for Christmas. Sehun stared into his 3 mile wide closet wondering what he should wear for his date with Baekhyun tonight."Buttass," Sehun thought. "I guess I'll ask a hyung."He shouldn't have asked a hyung.--A tale of Murder????, Betrayal, and Chocolate Bubble Tea.--





	1. Sehun Prepares for a Date

It's date night. For god sakes, what's a boy to wear. Typical black on black on black, or maybe go all out with the cat onesie Baekhyun bought him for Christmas. Sehun stared into his 3 mile wide closet wondering what he should wear for his date with Baekhyun tonight.

"Buttass," Sehun thought. "I guess I'll ask a hyung."

Sehun found Jongin staring at a wall in the next room.

"Hyung," Sehun whispered. He knew by now to not frighten Jongin in this state. He is fragile. A baby bird, if you will. "You know staring at the wall hurts your eyes. Look at me instead."

Jongin glanced over to Sehun. "What do you want?"

"I'm going on a date with Baekhyun tonight. Is this okay? This...getup?" Sehun does the up-and-down hand motion thing that you probably can envision, idk.

"Oh no..." Jongin whined. "Oh noooooo no no no, Sehun, no. Not with that hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"Well for starters, you look like a damned fool!! I know a guy who can fix it! It'll make you look less.... Lopsided."

Jongin stood up, puffing out his chest and slowly transforming into Kai before Sehun's eye. Only one of them. The other eye was stupidly being covered by his stupid hair. Like what an asshole. Why he thought this stupid style was okay was beyond anyone's comprehension. Regardless of the number of eyes, the transformation of Jongin to Kai and eventually back to Jongin is astounding. 

"Let's hit the town!!" screams Kai.

_______________________________

Sehun and Kai walk hand in hand to the barber shop. The bell dings as they go in.

"NO NO NO BOY WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR HEAD??" 

"My hair?" Sehun questions.

"NOOOOO-AAAHHHHHH!!" The barber's words become incoherent banshee screeches as he reaches for the scissors. "SIT DOWNNNN-AAAAAAHHH!!"

Sehun sits. He gets to pick the barber cape. Most of them are black, but there's one that caught Sehun's eye. (Only one eye still, remember?) It was leopard print with a studded collar and snap buttons of various neon colors. It looked stupid as hell. Figures he'd pick this one. He got that one award for being best dressed and whatnot and then wore a cowboy hat immediately afterwards, so honestly I’m not surprised. The barber grabbed the cape and draped it over Sehun's magnificent man body as to not get hair clippings on his subpar (read: shitty) date outfit.

A-snip-a-snip here. Snap-snoop there. This hairstyle was really coming together. I guess. Sehun wasn't really paying attention, seeing he was creeping Miranda Kerr's insta. But like why? He's going on a date with Baekhyun soon!! I bet she won't buy you bubble tea! You know who will, Sehun? Baekhyun. Maybe. Don't quote me on that.

Anywho, like 45 minutes later, the barber whips off the cape. A new Sehun emerges like a butterfly from its cocoon. He stands up and spreads his wings, leaning in towards the mirror. He touches the tips of his bangs, while checking all angles of his new hairstyle. The sides were buzzed short while the middle remained longer. His hair was bleached and styled back like a sexy pidgeotto.

"Wtf is dis shhzzz?" He wonders. He thinks he looks even stupider than before, but judging by Barberman and Kai's expression, it probably looks good??? Sehun feels better, he guesses.... At least Kai thinks he's shaping up and Kai's hot. Hot people acknowledge other hot people. Hopefully hot Baekhyun with notice hot Sehun.

"Almost done, but your clothes are scrubby. You need some booty pants," Kai comments. Kai isn’t lying. Sehun needs pants that are capable of withstanding the power of Sebooty. Everyone underestimates Sehun’s buttock, except for Kai. Kai has seen mere glimpses of the damage that could be done if Sebooty weren’t properly contained. 

Sehun looks down at his elastic-ankle sweatpants and sketcher's shape ups. "Perhaps these weren't the best choice," Sehun mumbles. Obviously they weren't.

They head next door to some store I'm not even going to make a name for because I'm too tired. They sell clothes. That's like really all you need to know, honestly. Oh and accessories. Sehun walks in and is immediately assaulted by how sexy the store is. Even the smell is sexy, like leather and cool people. He walks to the crop top section and Kai leads him back out. He is not cool enough for this section yet. 

The back corner has more luxury goods and if Sehun wants to impress Baekhyun, he was going to have to spend a little bit of H A R D C A S H. He looks around at the fitted suit tops wondering how he is going to get his big dumb shoulders into them. He finds one that actually seems to be his measurements? Bam. He puts it on. Bam. Bam. Fits like a glove. Bam. Bam. Bam. It's a dark charcoal. He admires the absence of any real colors and turns to Kai. 

"EEHHH??" Sehun inquires.

"GODLY!" Kai ejaculates. Kai then finds more of an outfit for him including tight black pants, a white v-neck, red converse and a bigass Roly Poly (cool kid lingo for "Rolex") to complete the "I'm a business man with a booty for days, but I enjoy hanging with the cool kids on my yacht during my days off, oh I also have two (2) collies and five (9) horses if you want to race them, specifically referring to the horses though, not the dogs, that'd be weird" feel.

"Oh my godddddd. I'm giving myself a boner," Sehun muses while looking in the mirror. And damn did he look good. Kai gave him the final touch. A magnificent necklace, faceted with the most beautiful JO crystal Sehun had ever seen. Baekhyun had almost the same necklace. They would match. He was ready. He was so hecking ready for this date. He was going to date Baekhyun SO HARD tonight. ;) ;) ;) ;) UNFF

"So where are you guys going for your date?" Kai asks.

"BUTTASS!" Sehun yelled for the second time that day. How did he not make plans? The main part of a date is making plans for a GODDAMN ROMANTIC NIGHT. Sehun overlooked this. "Hyung, I don't know...."

Just then, Chanyeol and Jongdae walked in. They had appointments for manly pedicures, but who honestly cares at this point. Y’all know they aren’t going to do it. They’re needed elsewhere for plot development.

"Sehunnie, looking good," Chanyeol winked while nudge nudging.

"AH WAAAEE!!" interjects Jongdae.

"Of course, Chen. Sehun is going on a date tonight with Baekhyun. We had to get him looking sexy af."

"AH WAE??"

"Yes but that's the problem, he didn't make any plans..."

"NO PLANS!?" Chanyeol yelled, "There's nothing to do in this town anyways.

"AH WAEEEE!!"

"Chen, you say there's a carnival in the next town over?" Kai deciphers. 

"AH WAE."

"And there's a ferris wheel for trapping a loved one on with you while you confess your true feelings?" Sehun asks hopefully.

"AH. WAE!"

"But I don't trust carnivals," Sehun thinks aloud. "They're full of hobos and clowns and janky machinery and hobos and clowns."

"Maybe if we just check it out really quick...?" Kai ponders. I mean. I guess so. Take a gander. What could possibly go wrong?

 

________________________________

 

"Why hasn't Sehun been messaging me? Where is he? Did he forget our date?" Baekhyun asks himself while pacing. "No. He wouldn't do that. He's been looking forward to this." He takes a shot of vodka... And then another for the hell of it. "TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT, BAEKHYUN. YOU'RE GOING TO TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL!!"

 

_________________________________

 

Sehun, Kai, Ah Wae, and Chanyeol arrive at the carnival. It was only a 10 minute drive. Not too bad. They walked past the ticket booth since they didn't plan on using any. They're just visiting. Not touching any of the rides. Only TOUCHING WITH THE EYES. 

The rides were pretty nice?? Like actually?? I'm??? Like I thought this was going to be a traveling circus type garbage carnival, but I dunno it looks pretty stationary. Pretty legit. They walk up the aisle of games and WHAT IS THIS?? Minseok, Junmyeon, Kyungsoo, Yixing, LUHAN? TAO? DAFUQ?? KRIS???? What are y'all doing here!? You know what. Doesn't matter. Just know they're all playing games n shit. 

Kris is sucking ass at that game where you throw the ring on the bottle.

"You're not giving it the ol' razzle dazzle," comments Sehun.

"I'll razzle your dazzle," Kris replies.

"What's going on?" Minseok asks.

"He's not giving it the ol' razzle dazzle."

"What? No, Kris, it NEEDS the ol' razzle dazzle"

"Yifan, you just--"

"Don't call me that. I can do this without razzling or dazzling. Watch me," Kris snaps

"I bet you can't. I bet Sehun can't either. Only I can."

"Excuse me??" Sehun interjects. "I'm a champion ring-on-bottle player??"

"Okay," Minseok sneers. "If Yifan gets one, you have to ride the roller coaster by yourself. If you get one, Sehun, then he'll ride it by himself. If I get one, you both ride it."

"That's lame," says Sehun. "I don't even have tickets."

"It's fine. I gotchu, bb gurl," purrs Minseok. Ew, weird move.

After three tosses, it's clear that Minseok won. Of course he did. He's perfect. <3 *swoon swoon* Sehun takes the tickets and pulls a cranky Kris onto the roller coaster with him. Junmyeon joins as well and plops himself down between Kris and Sehun. 

"This is going to be fun!" He shouts while getting his camera ready. The ride starts and they head up the hill. He positions the camera in a way to get his happy ass, Sehun's resting bitch face, and Kris' mild panic attack in the shot. The roller coaster drops down the first hill and completes a loop, Junmyeon recording all the way. “NOT MY STYYYLLEEEE” can be heard throughout the carnival. Gdi, Kris.

The ride ends after what feels like eternity. Great. Sehun's hair is probably messed up now. No that's fine. It was just kind of expensive and then kind of a waste to just wind whip it like that. No really I'm not even mad. Junmyeon watches the video and screenshots his favorite moments.

"Oh my god these are going on Instagram. Hey everyone!! Get in the picture!!"

Team mom selfie sticks another few pics. He snort chuckles as he thinks of dad jokes to put as the captions.

____________________________________

[Dramatic camera angle over Baekhyun’s shoulder as Baek looks at his phone.]

[Camera angle changes to a close up of Baekhyun’s face with a corner of his phone slightly out of focus in the bottom right corner.]

"’TWO PEANUTS WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET, ONE WAS A SALTED’??? IS THAT A DAD JOKE??? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!!??? WHY IS EVERYONE AT A CARNIVAL!!!??" Baekhyun screams in the empty apartment. He's about to throw his phone but he stops. He closes Junmeyon's Instagram and opens his and Sehun's messages. They're all from Baekhyun. No response from Sehun. NOT ONE RESPONSE.

Baekhyun's had it! He's had enough! He opens Chrome on his phone. Types in "hire a hitman"....... Pauses. Backspaces.... Opens an incognito tab. Types in "hire a hitman." Clicks search. He's good. He might be a crazy hoe, but he ain't stupid. Hide them tracks, boii.

He clicks the first link he sees. Hitman Hobi. It says he's fast and discreet right on the webpage, so like... Yeah he's going to choose him. Duh. Also he's in the area so that helps. Baekhyun chuckles to himself while he dials Hitman Hobi's number.


	2. Baekhyun Prepares for a Date

“Hitman Hobi,” the voice on the phone says.

“You actually answer the phone like that?” asks Baekhyun.

“I have 10 separate phones for each of my jobs, fuck you,” snaps Phone Voice aka Hitman Hobi presumably.

“Okay..? Well I need to ask—.”

“HOLD ON. Pizza delivery phone is ringing……… Pizza Papi…. Yeah…. Yeah okay…. Olives?...... That’s gross, but okay. That’ll be $14…….. Fourteen……. One – Four… Yeah $14 not $40, piece of…. Yeah I’ll be there in 40 minutes…….. Forty…… Four Zero… Jesus fucc--… Okay, Sorry yeah, continue.”

“Uhhmmm… Well I just need some people…. Hit. If you know what I mean.”

“Yeah yeah, you want me to straight up get rid of some dudes for ya?”

“Well, I mean, it would be nice. Seeing I called you and everything,” Baek drawled into the phone, like shit, you call a dude, you’d think he’d know what’s up, amirite?

“To be clear, you want me to shoot some dudes, and not physically hit them? Cause my name seems to be confusing to people.”

“Precisely.” 

“Aight. That’d be $30 a person.”

“$13?”

“$30.”

“One-three?”

“Three-Ze—Fuckin…. UGH. ZERO. When do you want this done?”

“As soon as possible.”

“Done deal.”

With that he hung up the phone. BAEKHYUN, BOII YOUS A GENIUS. He giggles like a stupid idiot while he texts Hobi the address. They’re all going down. THEY WILL PAY FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE.

Baekhyun decides to look good as S H I T for this. He takes a shower and hair putty’s the hell out of his fro. After blowdrying and styling, dang he’s lookin’ sexy. Sehun will rue the day he went to a carnival without Baekhyun. On date night, no less!! He applies concealer to hide his honestly nonexistent flaws and sets it with only the finest Flour Setting Powder, cause it’s vegan or whatever and he is boujie af. Baek finds his eyeliner and clicks it up a few notches. He’s going to need a lot for tonight. Smearing it around his eyes, it almost resembles war-paint more than makeup. Damn right he’s going to war. He was going to paint the town red.

Looking through his closet, he decides against any of the feather boas that take up 60% of the closet space. (20% are real boas, the other 1% is actual human clothes and 19% Barbie clothes). That isn’t the look he’s going for right now. He picks an outfit that makes his eyes and lips pop. Honestly, his whole head is poppin right now with his perfect hair and perfect face and just… ugghhhh I can’t even. He is literally beautiful and it hurts me, physically, emotionally, spiritually…. and just... whatever. Don’t talk to me right now…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whew, okay anyways, he picks a pair of faded ripped jeans, a white undershirt, and an oversized flannel shirt over it. You know why it’s oversized? Because it’s Sehun’s. You know why he has Sehun’s shirt? Because he thought they were in love!!!! Guess we’ll find out, huh!? Baekhyun grabs his JO crystal necklace and stomps out of the apartment.

Baekhyun drives the 10ish minutes to the carnival and looks around. The sun is starting to set off in the distance. It seems that Hobi hasn’t arrived yet. Perfect. He walks past the ticket booth and begins to look for any signs of goddamn EXO. Fried chicken bones litter the streets. Kai. Baekhyun is sure he can follow the dismantled chicken carcasses to the boys.

He turns the corner and spots them. Sehun! And… Wow. Sehun is looking sexy with that charcoal jacket and Sebooty all poppin but NOW IS NOT THE TIME. Around Sehun is everyone else… it seems as if they are circle jerking, but they’re probably just talking. Baekhyun is just so blinded by anger that he just assumes everyone has their dick out. I dunno. Maybe that happens. I’ve never been mad enough to see everyone’s noodle, but I wouldn’t be opposed. Baek ducks back behind the wall to watch them from afar. That should be HIS dick in that circle jerk that isn’t even happening! Why are they neglecting him!?

Just then, a gust of wind whips around the carnival. Baekhyun looks up to see.. the inside of a vacuum cleaner? Honestly he can’t tell what it is. I’m sure he assumes it’s just a giant aggression dick. As it gets closer to the earth, Baekhyun can make out that it’s Hobi in a hovercraft. Where does one buy a hovercraft? Hobi slowly lowers the hovercraft into the central carnival court, where everyone is currently located. Baekhyun isn’t sure if Hobi realizes it, but he lands on a random group of people, getting the bodies caught in the bottom fan blades of the craft. Blood explodes from the engines and the hovercraft lands like a soft pillow on to the concrete. Hobi hops out gracefully, not seeming to realize he just murdered like 8 people. I mean, I guess he’s a hitman, but Jesus. Have some decency. 

Hobi holds his gun out towards the group and fires. A beam of light leaves the gun and hits Ah Wae. He suddenly vanishes into thin air.

“JONGDAE!” boyfriend Minseok screams. He runs to the area where Ah Wae was once located. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?”

“Relax. I just transported him…. Into space… where he will suffocate and implode. HUAHUAHUAHUAH!!” Hobi laughs at Minseok’s anguished face. Like wtf.

“Why aren’t you using a real gun?” Baekhyun yells while running out into the open.

“Real gun? Where tf would I find a real gun?”

“IDK WHY TF U HAVE A TELEPORT LASER?”

“Because? I don’t know. I had a couple laying around and I thought this one would be fun.”

“Wait Hobi No!” Baekhyun bawks, but it’s too late. The war had already begun.

“Baekhyun,” Sehun says completely nonchalantly because he honestly has like no emotions like whatever. Sehun grabs Baekhyun’s wrist and runs away from the scene.

Baekhyun looks back to witness Kyungsoo transform into a blood thirsty penguin, pecking his virtually useless beak into Hobi. Lay changes into his sheep form and Kris transforms into a giant dildo, as usual. Baekhyun turns away before the scene becomes too violent.

They round another corner and hide in the bushes. They hear screaming and stuff, but at least they’re safe in these extremely protective plants. Hiding in bushes is really always the best-case scenario. Atomic bomb? Find some bushes. You’ll thank me later.

 

 

Sehun looks down at Baekhyun sitting next to him.

“Baekhyun what teh actual fucc,” Sehun asks. Baekhyun flinches, like A BITCH. 

“What do you mean??”

“Why are you doing this!?”

“Because!........ Because it was our date night and you forgot!!!”

“I forgot!? No,” Sehun starts to blush while thinking of the right words to say. “Delicious soup with delicious soup with soup.” Those were not the right words to say. He tries again, “No, hyung. I didn’t forget. I was planning this date! I was so nervous I didn’t know what to do so I asked for help and…. Well, Here we are.”

“Sehun…” Baekhyun begins. “I had no idea. I thought you were ignoring me, and I-I made a horrible mistake!” Baekhyun runs out of the bushes and back towards the scene of the crime. Everyone was missing besides Hobi and some randos.

“Hobi! Are they all gone?” 

“Yep. All of them. That’ll be $270.”

“$217?”

“HOLY SHIT. TWO SEVEN ZERO. IN MY BANK ACCOUNT. BY TOMORROW.” Hobi climbs back into his hovercraft and takes off, floating close to the ground and chumming up about 15 more people. He rides into the sunset, surrounded by the yellow glow of carnival lights, leaving behind a combination of human remains and old chicken bones. 

“What a great guy,” Baekhyun muses and then begins to cry. “…I’m the bad guy here…”

“Hyung, it’s not as bad as you think. That teleportation gun… it doesn’t just shoot people into space. It sends them to Exoplanet.”

Baekhyun sniffles. “Exoplanet? Home? How do you know?”

“I know what the Exoplanet portal looks like, DUMMY.”

“What? How?”

Sehun becomes quiet. “You know, it doesn’t matter. Just know the hyungs are safe at home.”

Baekhyun sighs happily, knowing that the other members were on Exoplanet… Their beautiful alien forms and grotesque gills filtering the space air. He just wishes he could be able to see them again. That was not likely, seeing that Chanyeol destroyed all their ships by crash landing them into various Earth restaurants he wanted to try.

Sehun and Baekhyun walk home hand in hand, stressed from the long day full of stupid events. Like what even got accomplished?? Honestly. They reach their apartment building, step inside, and push the button for the elevator. It’s a longass wait, because they live in the 836th floor of a swaggy apartment tower. There’s also 2038 underground levels too, because fuck you.

“You know how to release stress, Sehun?” Baekhyun whispers so the other peeps in the lobby don’t hear them.

“Eating food?” Sehun suggests like the smol baby he is.

“Nahnahnah, mayne. We’s gonna fuck.” ;) ;) ;)

“Oooh uhh. I mean okay, I guess.”

“And you’re going to bottom.” ;) ;) ;) ;) ;* ;* ;)

“Wait no. I… have crazy diarrhea right now.”

“Well you better take extra time getting prepped.” :O :| :O :| :O :| (it kinda looks like it’s eating lol)

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, hyung,” Sehun whines.

“I’m sure it will be,” Baekhyun purrs into Sehun’s ear while the elevator doors open. He pushes the maknae inside, and 5 other people enter. Jesus. Can’t they wait for another elevator? Can’t they see these boys bout to FUCC??? Obviously not.

One by one, the people leave the elevator, and Baekhyun becomes more handsy, grabbing Sehun whenever nobody is looking. Eventually the last person exits, leaving SeBaek to themselves. Ugh they’s about to get weird. As soon as the doors close behind the last fellow elevator rider, Baekhyun closes in on Sehun, sliding his hands under his shirt and onto his hips. He pulls Sehun against him, while also pushing him back against the mirrored glass. Baek latches onto the junction of Sehun’s shoulder neck and sucks a red mark into the whiteass skin. SEXY AND MILKY. Not for long. Baekhyun wanted to mark Sehun as his own. Turn it into strawberry milk. He licks and bites up Sehuns neck while grinding their hips together. Why is Sehun resisting him? He comes up with a plan.

“Hunnie, treat me like a sexy chocolate bubble tea. I’m all yours,” Baekyun begs in a bitchass voice. Sehun snaps. Finally, goddd.

Sehun starts to push Baekhyun’s shirt up, when the elevator doors open. This is their floor. Unless they pushed the wrong button, but they’re not idiot children, so I hope they’d know numbers by now. Baekhyun grabs Sehun’s wrist and marches to their apartment as fast as his little stump legs will take him.

Once inside, Baekhyun continues his ministrations, trying to force Sehun out of his shell completely. He snapped, but there’s still apprehension in his eyes. Both eyes. Because he got that haircut and you can see them both now. Baekhyun slides his fingers through Sehun’s not-stupid-anymore hair and pulls his head down to his own level. He sucks the maknae’s bottom lip into his mouth and bites lightly.

“Hyung,” Sehun lightly interrupts while pushing Baekhyun away, “I’m still not sure this is a good idea..”

“I’m not your hyung anymore. I am a delicious bubble tea.”

Baekhyun doesn’t miss the twitch in Sehun’s jeans. Those jeans. Holy shit they’re tight. Baekhyun might have to find scissors and cut them off.

“Bubble-hyung,” Sehun eureureongs before reconnecting their mouths. 

He becomes more forceful, pushing up Baekhyun’s shirt once again. Baekhyun raises his arms and allows the flannel and undershirt to be pulled up over his head. Sehun’s hands explore his hyung’s body while his tongue explores his mouth. Dude, gross. Baekhyun pulls down on Sehun’s jacket, signaling him to start getting nekkid as well. Baekhyun slips his fingers in his own mouth while watching Sehun strip. He bites down on the first two digits as Sehun drops his shirts on the floor. Eyes dilated with lust, his fingers fall from his mouth and instead, he bites Sehun’s collar bone. 

Sehun knows this isn’t right, this is a violation of all of his morals, but he can’t stop himself now. Now that he can… visually explore his hyung’s body… invision the chocolate sauce mixing with the milk… the glistening of the tapioca pearls… Wrow. 

“I can’t wait, Sehun,” Baekhyun almost screams as he starts to undo both of their belts. He forces Sehun’s jeans down around his thighs and beholds the tent pitched underneath, an obvious wet patch glaring at him. Baek drops to his knees and slides his hand over the shaft of Sehun’s…. wait…

“Is this an Uncrustable?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“For lunch..?”

“You pack your lunch in your underwear?”

“Yeah? It looks good during photoshoots. Everyone likes the bulge.”

“That’s… fucking stupid, but whatever,” Baekhyun says as he pulls the rest of Sehun’s lunch out of his dickspace. Left with only Sehun’s “big nose,” Baek begins sliding his hand over the front of the maknae’s briefs while sucking a pink circle into his thigh.

Sehun allows his head to roll back, taking into consideration now that he is looking around the living room. This is not where he wants to do this. He pulls Baekhyun up and walks him into the bedroom. As he walks, he kicks off his jeans the rest of the way, leaving them in the hallway. Everyone is gone forever, nobody’s going to notice their clothes laying around.

“Down,” Sehun demands.

Baekhyun is taken back. His maknae? Talking to him like this?

“Excuse me?”

“Down, Bubble-hyung. On your knees.”

Baekhyun does what he’s told and lowers himself back to his knees. Sehun pulls out his pool noodle and lets it drop deadweight onto Baek’s face. Boy he ain’t fuckin around.

“Suck,” Sehun commands from above.

Baekhyun shivers. He’s a little concerned about Sehun’s sudden change in attitude, but is also ridiculously turned on by the sexy demeanor.

“Alright, but I’ll get you back later.”

“Stop talking,” Sehun says while rubbing precum across Baekhyun’s face. Jesus. Why.

Baekhyun can’t help himself. He doesn’t like to be bossed, but he has a weak spot for Sehun. He takes the tip into his mouth. Sehun hisses and laces his fingers through Baekhyun’s styled af hair and grips tightly. The grip allows Sehun to push into Baekhyun further, listening to his hyung sputter around him. Baekhyun is a man though. He’s been known to handle quite a face dicking.

Baekhyun sits helpless on his knees as Sehun practically skullfucks him. He slides his fingers in the corners of his mouth to wet them. Sehun starts to hunch over, perhaps not knowing that he’s supposed to stop before he EJACULATES. Baekhyun pulls the fingers out of his mouth and slides them around Sehun’s entrance. The maknae’s hips stutter and he immediately stands up straight.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m prepping you.”

“Oh… uhh yeah…” Sehun says slowly, looking like he’s trying to rationalize what’s happening. He looks too fucked out to think though. 

Baekhyun continues to suck Sehun while sliding one finger in. 

“Wewax” Baekhyun says around a mouthful of D I C K. He stops being a slut for a second to talk, “You have to relax or else it won’t work.” He pauses…. “You’re being a good boy for your choco bubble tea-hyung.” That’ll keep Sehun complacent for another few minutes.

Sehun’s mangina twitches at the thought of chocolate bubble tea, and his body immediately begins to accept Baekhyuns finger offering. It feels weird, but amazing at the same time. He can’t remember why he thought this was a bad idea? The feeling of Baekhyun’s mouth back on his CACAO mixed with the slightly painful stretch of a second finger entering him was all that his mind could comprehend. Baekhyun starts pumping his fingers in and out and SEHUN STRAIGHT UP MOANS LIKE A BITCH. The sounds spur on Baekhyun’s actions and he begins to pump faster while adding a third shortass finger. They may be baby hands, but they get the job done! I think. 

“B-Bubble tea!” Sehun announces to nobody in particular, and Baekhyun halts his movements. He’s ready. Baekhyun climbs to his feet and rummages through the side table drawer. He finds a blues clues notebook and tosses it to the side. Now is not the time. Lube and a condom are thrown onto the bed. Baekhyun looks back at Sehun, who is helplessly twitching his hips in the middle of the room. He throws his own underwear off, pushes Sehun back onto the bed, and climbs between his legs. Sehun looks like a work of art from this angle. All sweaty and gross and the most beautiful glow on his JO crystal. Baekhyun can only assume his is glowing as well. They’ll need to be careful that they don’t interfere with any passing airplane’s avionics; this charge is so strong.

Baekhyun opens the foil packet and takes out the condom. Obviously. He wouldn’t take out a hot pocket. That’d be dumb. He rolls the condom down over his, rather excruciatingly large member, if he does say so himself. Boy, I hope this is the right size, amirite? Haha! He pops open the lube and drizzles it on his, in all actuality, normal sized dicklette. A little more is drizzled on his fingers and smeared in and around Sehun’s BUTTHOLE. This is it. This is the moment. Baekhyun scoots closer to line himself up with Sehun’s mancave. He pushes the head in and Sehun gasps. 

“Relax. This will probably hurt me more than it hurts you, haha.” Bitch.

Sehun isn’t even listening, just writhing around like a wiggle worm. Baekhyun pushes Sehun’s thighs up against his stomach and pushes in further. Dayum, Maknae is tight as shit and is suckin him in so good like. He pulls back out and looks down at where they connect. Ugh it’s so hot—wait. Where did the condom go? Boii! Maybe the inside was lubed and it slipped right off. That’s going to be fun to shit out later. Whatever. Baekhyun slides back into his DM’s and feels Sehun sucking him in again. 

“Ugh, you’re like a vacuum,” ;)

Baekhyun suddenly feels a twinge in his back. Ow? Like... It kind of hurts? Suddenly he hears a popping noise, as his back begins to bend in ways that it shouldn’t??

“Sehun what the fuck??”

“Baekhyun?” Sehun mumbles…. Then sudden realization hits him. “BAEKHYUN PULL OUT OF MY BUTTOCK!!”

“I can’t!!” Baekhun yells as he tries to pull out of Sehun’s vice-like anus.

“NOBODY HAS EVER SURVIVED…”

“What are you talking about??”

“Let me explain,” Jongin says from behind Baekhyun.

“HOLY SHIT JONGIN.” Baekhyun screeches while trying to cover up them doing the deed (i.e. the sex).

“Nah it’s fine, I’ve been here the whole time. No homo. You guys just kinda walked in, so I figured I was supposed to watch,” Jongin explains while transforming into his alter ego animal form, Kai, “Anyways, Sehun’s hotdog hallway is actually a portal to EXO planet. You’ll only be sucked further into Sebooty until you’re launched into space along with everyone else.”

“EXCUSE ME!?”

“You shouldn’t have taken advantage of his love for bubble tea… You might have been able to live with us longer.”

“How do you know all this?” 

“What? Sehun and I do the dew all the time. I just teleport out when I start getting sucked in.”

“Jesus fuck,” Baekhyun yells unnecessarily as his back pops again.

“It’s only a matter of time before you’re consumed by Sehun’s gaping ass.”

“I guess… This is it…. I love you, Sehun.”

“I love you too, Bubb—Uhh Baekhyun-hyung…” replies Sehun. Shit im like actually kind of sad rn. Why did I even write this?

Baekhyun’s back folds in on itself as he is suddenly sucked the rest of the way into Sehun’s willing pooper. He finds himself launching dick first through space towards Exoplanet. Ahead of him is the condom that he just assumed Sehun’s ass ate. He can hear the excited shouts of Chanyeol. Of course Chanyeol would be excited for Baekhyun to be flying dick first towards him. Who wouldn’t, really?

 

 

Sehun lays in bed. His butt is numb from just devouring an entire grownass human body. Needless to say, he is more than prepped for when Kai slides into his DM’s instead.

“I’ll be your bubble tea daddy tonight,” Kai growls.

[camera angle shows the outside of the apartment, zooming out, signifying the end of the fucking episode]

 

[jesus wtf was this. Hell nah it’s 5:31 in the morning bye bitch]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhmmmm So I love all of EXO and I also love J-Hope and the rest of BTS. I'm not sure why I subjected them to this.


End file.
